Mum/me

So I came back from visiting my mum and siblings in Somalia and it was honestly so nice and refreshing. Thankfully I got to see them for about 6 weeks. I hadn’t seen them for a whole 11 months. It really does sound crazy saying that considering I’ve always lived in a nuclear family where all my siblings and parents lived under one roof.

Living away from my mum taught me a lot. I was always reliant on her emotionally and otherwise. I didn’t realise a lot of the things she did for me. I also had no idea just how much I would miss the little things. For example coming home to a fragrant, clean house and hot food. Also I loved coming home and just telling mum all about my day or sometimes ranting about whatever bothered me. She was my security blanket and I missed her.

It did take a while to adjust to my new life but I did anyway.

I learnt to appreciate the significance of family especially my mum. In Islam, your parents are given so much importance and in particular the mother. I can blatantly see why now. My mum always put her children first, constantly thinking about their well being and happiness. She sacrificed a lot of herself for us and worked so hard all throughout our lives. I really didn’t appreciate my mum enough. If I had a disagreement with her, I would shout and try to get my way, If she told me to do something for her sometimes I would selfishly say no in a outright manner. I feel like living apart made me think of her as a human and not some robot who’s programmed to do everything. She made everything look so easy.

I developed a whole load of respect for my mum. She really is a superhero. There literally is no way I can give back to her or even thank her for the infinite things she’s done. I guess one thing I can do now is look after her and remember her. I feel like the worst thing I could do is forget her and get too involved in my own life.

There was still some good that came out of living separately. I became so much more independent and responsible for my own life. I learnt how to make decisions for myself primarily with my own influence. I got a kickstart into ‘adulthood’ and a real feel for what having responsibilities was like. Going back to Somalia, I found myself longing for that independence although it was so nice having actual proper meals (lol).

I thank god for giving me such an awesome mum. I’m so lucky to have had this amazing gift all throughout my life. I guess my conclusion is to always love your parents and remember everything they gave you. At the end of the day whilst people are coming in and out of your life , they’re still there. When you progress to the next stage of your life, they’re still there. When you’re lost and in need, they’re still there. Waiting for you. 

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The power of now

Time doesn’t wait for anyone, it just passes you by.
Sometimes when I look back and try to understand what I did to pass my time I can’t
think of anything significant. So for example I’ll look back after a year and think ‘wow, another year gone by but what exactly did you do, what memories did you make, how did you implement change in your life’. Most of the time I won’t have a good answer for any of these questions. Then the new year starts and once again I’ll declare ‘this will be my year’. Then the cycle repeats.

To be fair, I suppose in the past I was young and I didn’t pay mTime-Tracking-Softwareuch attention to whether or not time was being wasted. More recently however, maybe since 2015 ended and 2016 began, I started noticing whether what I did to pass time was worthwhile or not.

I knew I wanted to experience cool things, get out my comfort zone and honestly just change my mindset. I wanted to be in control of my thoughts AND actions. I wanted to be in a happy place most of the time. I also wanted to do practical things my future self could look back on and thank me for later.

Its mid year now but I still want to do these things, so what exactly is your point Aisha?

Well the problem was I didn’t know how to experience cool things because I always doubted myself and I set myself back mainly because I feared the unknown. I compared myself to others and thought I was less. I allowed negativity into my life. I lost control many times which is what stuck me into negativity in the first place. The worst of them all was probably overthinking. Overthinking and creating problems in my head that really didn’t exist.

Consequently I lost a whole lot of time.

After a deal of reflecting I came to realise something, very recently in fact. I always blamed my outward surroundings of robbing me my chances, my prospects. I know am speaking very loosely about all of this but it took a particular situation to realise this fatal flaw and what exactly it was costing me.

I always overlooked how much of a CHOICE. I had the choice to invite good or bad thoughts. I could dwell in senseless pity OR I could push myself to make the absolute BEST of even the dullest times.Don’t let your mind trick you, control it then defeat it. I’m very lucky to have this ‘choice’ so why the hell don’t I use it?

I also learnt to not focus too hard on the future. Constantly counting down the days was a big part of the problem. I thought my life would magically turn amazing when I’m given the opportunity but how about I chase that opportunity and stop waiting around. The power of now is so underestimated and I’m glad to have discovered its importance. Its literally now or never.

Don’t say tomorrow because trust me tomorrow never comes. Make the most of today, make the most of right now.

I guess what am trying to say is, to always choose optimism. Also don’t take yourself too seriously (as cliche as that sounds). Its what hinders making the greatest memories with loved ones, simple laughter and pretty much happiness.

 

 

 

 

Settling for less

Settling for less is the easy route out. I and anyone else can pretend to believe that we’re only capable of less. Less than her, less than him. But why? Surely such a belief can’t be true or is it?

Limiting myself is something I am highly guilty of and I’ve done it for a major portion of my life, day in day out. Its not something I even realised I was doing a lot of the time. I guess some of it comes from comparing yourself to the people around you. So for example looking at that friend who seems to be good at EVERYTHING and thinking whats the point of even trying, I was never made to succeed to such an extent.

Another reason for settling was that I could never actually fathom reaching whatever goal was in sight whether it be getting into my first choice university or then passing my first year when I did get in.

Soon this started to take a toll. I realised I wanted more, I wanted to reach every major and minor goal I gave myself but how could I do that with this firmly planted belief I was simply incompetent?

It took a long while to notice that the mountain of limits I gave myself were very much invalid. I realised when I did work hard and stopped using ‘oh but I’m not good enough’ as an excuse, I could do whatever I wanted. Also those people I readily compared myself to, maybe they were good at something I considered amazing but I was probably better at something they weren’t regardless of whether it was obvious to me or not. They believed the sky was their only limit and they had discipline. They worked hard.

This just shows everyone is made different. Everyone has strong points and weak points. The key is to work on your weaker side. If there is something you’re not good at or think you could never do just keep trying to perfect it and one day I promise, you will prove your limits wrong. So so wrong.

If you stay stuck in this doubtful bubble you’ve created yourself, it will only result in a whole loss of precious time, angst and regret. However if you stay focused on YOURSELF and try to make the best of YOURSELF, trust me anything is possible.

So my summary on all this, Live your best life and always give it your best shot. Don’t shy away from something because of this or that person and never listen to that belittling voice in your head. Let me tell you, if I can do it anyone can.

Also noticing and accepting the problem is the first step to fixing it. It may take a while but it will definitely be worth it.

 

A Re-search

So you may not relate but I thought I’d share this anyway.

Sometimes my mind goes into a deep fuzzy pit. I feel very lethargic and useless. That and majorly negative. I hadn’t felt like that in a long time because I’d been so busy with uni and general life stuff but ever since I came on holiday to visit family, I had a lot more free time and less tasks to take over my time. I knew I was going to come on this holiday for quite a while and because I was to stay abroad for about 6 weeks, I had this pre-formed plan of reading fiction/non-fiction/religious books, blogging, watching my favourite shows with no responsibilities to stop me and otherwise just enjoying quality time with family.

I thought it’d be the perfect relaxing break which it really was for the first couple of days. I just sat around and fully enjoyed the unusual peaceful state of my mind.

Recently I had been reading some motivational blogs or watching a couple of ted talk videos you know just to get a piece of enlightenment and thus some life inspiration however I felt like I wasn’t getting anything from them. I couldn’t connect deeply with anything. I knew all the theory was there but I just couldn’t translate any of it into something meaningful for myself.

I started making a habit of waking up past noon with half my day gone to sleep, I’d then try to pass the day but I never felt alive. It felt like a haze like I was there but not really there.I didn’t feel like doing anything or speaking to anyone. The place I was internally felt dark and very hopeless.

Soon I could feel myself getting into a horrible slump and I know its quite dramatic to say this but I felt like I forgot who I was. Like I knew what to do to feel better but I just didn’t have the energy or the willingness to put in any effort for a positive outcome. I thought I was going to go insane if I carried on like that everyday.

It was 2 weeks since I got here. Still 4 weeks left. I knew something had to change but I didn’t know how or what. So yesterday night I just prayed to god to help me out of this slump, to help me feel some passion and remove the dullness that clouded me. I’ll tell you what happened afterwards like almost immediately.

I decided I was going to sleep early so I could wake up early and then try to take a long walk in the morning in a desperate attempt to make myself feel better. So off to bed I went. I decided to watch some youtube (as you do) before I dozed off.

I came across this video in my subscription box on a ‘career/job story’. It was randomly very inspiring as this particularly youtuber just talked about how she worked hard to get t0 great places, job wise. It strangely lighted something inside of me, something I already knew very well but felt I had long forgotten in the midst of my current funk.

Then I found this blog very very randomly as a result of something I searched on google and oh my god. Boy did this change everything for me. I feel like it literally resuscitated me. I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ll link the blog below and it may not affect you the way it did for me but I thank god for helping me find that because I can’t express just how much I needed it.

Theres a link to the blog and one of the posts I particularly liked : https://amuslimsistermaria200327.wordpress.com/2009/03/13/bend-but-dont-break/

I also realised the reason it spoke so much sense to me is because it entwined religion and normal everyday life pointers. I thank god for my religion and faith. I really want to go on a  mission to strengthen that.

So here I am today. I genuinely feel good and motivated to do things. I feel awake and alive like my passion to move forward and upwards (hopefully) has been restored.

The very fact am actually writing this proves that. I really do hope to improve myself spiritually in due course. I ask god to help me on this journey of self- improvement and also to help YOU reading this through any struggle you face whether it be mentally or otherwise.

The game.

I wake up ,everyday
Just to find out its the same,
Like the souls been ripped out my body,
And I literally am a nobody,
But I’m still breathing and my heart is still beating.
I’m not a quitter I tell myself,
Even when the pain gets extremly bitter,
I’ll keep on going strong,
But I know, not for long,
Because the pretence will finally crack,
Spitting out volumes on what I lack,
And again deep deep down I go,
No matter how many times I silently scream no, no, no.

All I really want is to survive,
And to get by as long as I’m alive,
But destructive desolation runs through my veins,
Its persistant and resistant,
It feeds on my system,
Hindering any kind of hope.

But once again I rise
With one intent only, to fly.

The middle

You know them days where there’s nothing major happening in your life and you feel very disinterested and indifferent about life. Yeah its been like that this week. Just a bland little week consisting of note making,lectures and this new job I started on wednesday. No excitement, no tears, no laughs, no extremely nice food. Just a week of improvising to be honest. Just a week that I’ll probably never look back on and remember. Isn’t that crazy. That whole week is gone and even though it was highly uneventful, it was still a week in my life. So anyway today is friday. And i’ve given myself a day off university for no apparent reason. I just felt like it. And if you feel like something you should definetly go for it, am I right? (no)
Because of this post I’ll remember this week now. Hahaha

Right now

So I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Like a whole lot. This is something pretty common for me. I overthink and overthink and then overthink some more.

Throughout my life one thing I CONSTANTLY obsessed and pondered over was what people thought about me.I would always calculate how much I’d be contributing to a conversation or how little ( which was mostly the case) or if others thought of me as outgoing or funny or any of the other things I was so wary of in social situations.

This literally dictated most of my life,if not all of it. It was only around close family that I was ever myself. I always wondered how it would feel to not care about what other people thought of me. To freely express myself and who I am without the fear of being judged.

What I thought didn’t equate even remotely to what I said. I was always that quiet, lost girl in the corner. I hated it. I always said yes to others, went along with their plans and rarely gave my opinion. Thinking back it feels surreal that I so desperately wanted to feel validated by mere humans. Humans that were made up of cells, that had feet, arms, just like me. You get my point. I felt like I lived an invisible life and I strongly despised it.

As I got older I did come out of my shell a little but looking back I definitely still had major confidence issues. Changing yourself to be like your ‘friends’ is always a bad thing. And that my friends is exactly what I did.  I guess thats enough talking about my past. I’m not going to say some miracle happened or anything drastic to change my life COMPLETELY but…

Fast forward to the present and how things have brightened up.

It wasn’t easy. It took many days and weeks of feeling very down and depressed. Thinking horrible things like I’m not worth it. This started to happen very recently and I really didn’t know how to deal with it.

I’ll never get anywhere in life, I have terrible social skills, the future is bleak because every good thing comes to an end , life is hard because of all its complications , I’ll always be broke and never get a job or be successful- These are all the horrible thoughts I thought everyday and believed. This made me feel hopeless to the point where I lost enjoyment in everything I used to like and basically became a recluse in my own negative thoughts. I also thought being a pessimist was the way forward as life could only be lived this way. Oh how I was wrong but nevertheless this is what went on in my brain.

Feeling this way was what taught me a lot of things, it allowed me to take some steps into fixing the darkness that lived in my mind. It taught me to stop caring about others opinions. To stop looking at myself as less than any other person and to find my own happiness and peace.

I realised success can be reached by anyone but the only thing stopping myself is me. No one is better than you, they probably just believe in themselves. For once in my life I feel ambitious, like I have so much good ahead of me.

It feels like a relief although I know its going to be a very long, bumpy road to self-acceptance. I guess realising anything could be a possibility is a start. I don’t know how I’m going to move forward or what lays ahead but I’m ready.

Am not going to say I’ve fixed every insecurity I had growing up and I’ve got everything  even close to sorted however I just think being honest and kind to myself will be the way forward.

Social situations and peoples opinions don’t really phase me anymore. But I could only realise this the hard way so I am happy (in a way) for the rough times. I wish I could tell my younger self to just embrace who I am and to not rush or wish to grow up so fast.

Am not going to say I don’t ever feel dreadful or sad anymore in fact I do all the time when things get too much. What am saying is I hope I develop my interests and produce something amazing of myself through hard work. I really do wish to focus on myself and to be the best version of me…always.