So I haven’t written on here in what feels like a century. I just felt like there was nothing of use that I could share on here. Before I’d write little ‘motivational’ accounts which looking back can only be described as delusional waffle but either way it was a phase in my life that I have to respect, its all part of the journey I guess.
Right now, it just feels like the right time to start again. I love writing which is why I want to make this thing regular. I feel like I have the right intentions this time, the right motivation.
Lots has happened in the past few months, the rest of my family moved back for one. Adjusting to a new dynamic at home was quite something after living with just my dad and brother for 2 and a half years. Also sharing my room after having my own space is a bother but honestly overall its been great. My mum and siblings are very dear to me even if we don’t see eye to eye all the time so I’m grateful, so grateful that they’re all back.
So 2018 came and now we’re somehow 3 months in. Where is the time flying honestly? I’ve been pre-occupied since the year started with exams in January and some stressful group work at the start of semester. This weekend is the first time I’ve actually sat down and just thought about my life and where I want to go.
I don’t handle stress well, I become so laser focused on whatever is bugging me till that disappears then its the next thing. Its something I can work on when I have more clarity I guess, like now.
So earlier whilst I was cleaning the bathroom I started thinking and thats when it dawned on me. I need to be better. I need to be a better daughter, worshipper, sibling, colleague and friend (dramatic I know like woah). I feel like I handle myself and my studies fairly well but I get too lost in my own little bubble way too often. I need to have some perspective in my life and prioritise things which are so important to me. Like today for example I messaged one of my closest friends after about 2/3 weeks but only because I needed something, this is just not how I want things to be.
Sometimes I’m scared to try because I fear I will fail and people hate me anyway or don’t care. I know this all untrue though, its just laziness and doubts crapping in my mind and trying to use me as their vessel. When my younger siblings are bored at home on a Sunday for example, I could easily take them out, get them an ice-cream and just show them fun instead of spending the day alternating between youtube, Netflix and scraps of uni work.
So I want to better. Only when I become better can I expect good in my life. Otherwise I’ll truly become one of those boring, stressed adults (kind of am right now oops) I so desperately never want to (fully) turn into.