Living a paradox

This whole post is just gonna be a reflective look on my life in the recent past and right now. 23/06/2017

I guess right now in my life I feel the most confident I’ve ever felt but also the most insecure. Over the past year or two I’ve learnt a lot of lessons about myself and just what works to live a good, progressive life.

I know how important kindness is. To love for the people around you what you love for yourself, to appreciate and just be selfless, to uplift others when they need it without expecting anything in return. I know all this yet I find myself feeling selfish at times and wanting to have the upper hand over others, I feel like I want it to always be about me when thats exactly what I should be avoiding.

I know how important gratitude is, to show thankfulness to god for the endless blessings he has provided me with, the endless opportunities and bounty. Yet I find myself empty, always feeling like nothing is enough. I feel like I’m the most unfortunate person at times, highlighting things I think I lack in and also believing that only I have certain deficiencies, only I carry a certain curse.

I know how important confidence is yet I find myself so awkward and unrelaxed. I know how I need to control my mindset and thoughts, to fake it till I make it but I feel myself slipping and retracting into a very unnecessary ball of negativity. An anecdote, just last week I started working at this summer placement which honestly I don’t know how I got into ( it was all through prayer) but already I feel myself shying away from things like talking to the customers with confidence because I believe for some reason that I can’t do it or not putting effort into forming a good relationship with the other employees even though all they’ve shown me is kindness and encouragement.

I know that my relationship with god forms the basis of my whole entire existence. To live and achieve anything I need to place utmost importance to my faith but lately I’ve felt myself slipping and then feeling this sense of guilt because I know I’m not doing enough. Right now I feel little to no faith in my heart, I don’t feel the yearning I once felt to improve my faith, I act like I’m in control of my life when its all god. I was created weak by god and my whole purpose is to worship and ask him and no one else for help. Only through the remembrance of god do hearts find rest. Your provisions in this world should be left only up to him, he is the one that provides. I swear a constant sense of poverty and shortage will always be in your plane of vision if you forget god.

I know comparison is a silly thing. No two people are the same yet I see myself wanting certain things other people seem to naturally have. Comparison only leads to hate and envy or just you feeling inferior when you probably have many of other things about you which are great, so so great. Needless to say I compare myself to others far too much.

That hustle, those hours you put in, thats the only way you will ever get results. Successful people don’t sit and just wishfully think, they DO. Hard work is what produces results and just like they all say, actions speak louder than word. Being busy is a great thing but if your not busying yourself with at least some level of productiveness then whats the point? You feel like your life isn’t moving forward but who’s fault is that?

A little round up, update its a about a week later and my relationship with god has improved a lot alhamdulilah and also I’ve gained a lot more confidence at my placement but Aisha I dare you to set yourself some goals for the summer and actually stick to them.

Challenge yourself.

 

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