A recent experience

I’m extremely privileged to say the least. I live in my parents house and I have a bed. I don’t depend on myself financially although I do have a part time job. I’m not rich but am definitely not poor. I have more than I could ever need clearly as I type away on my laptop. I’m also a student hence the lack of full time work. (A bit of context)

I had a few weeks to spare before university began. I made the decision to make the most of my free time and get some temporary work. So I did. I worked packing items for a huge online website. The hours were very long. The days were dull. I felt like I was encapsulated in a torturous video game. I died everyday but automatically regenerated at 5am the next morning like nothing had happened. The scanner became my best buddy and the different boxes my trusty associates as I packed, packed, packed. I vowed to continue my robotic life in this new alien world no matter what it took.

I looked around and saw people who’d been working in this same place for years. People who probably had others relying on them and there I was. Wondering how on earth they did it. The goal was to make the most amount of money  however painful it got. I could do it. I knew I could.

I constantly calculated the money I’d earn if I stayed on, thats what all my thoughts relayed back to. Surely it would be worth it. Money became the only motive in my life. Then I started getting anxious thoughts about what I’d do with this money. I felt scared to spend it and see it go. Everything became extremely money related. I unintentionally based my entire existence around.

2 weeks down, 1 to go.

I had a couple days off before my last cluster of shifts. Naturally I should’ve chilled out and enjoyed this unusual free time but all I did was dread what was to come. I spent all these days hating myself and everything around me. Everything I did was bleak and I couldn’t see even a glimpse of light. I felt like I was going to a familiar dark place by force. My mental health was deteriorating fast and I really didn’t know how to save it. I was doing everything I normally would. I went out, I ran all my errands, I cleaned, I rested and I really tried to keep stable but the dread just grew worse and worse. These few days probably felt worse than when I was working.

Then it finally happened, I CRACKED.

Today I went into work and quit. I literally feel the weight of 10 sumo wrestlers lifted off my shoulders. I feel ecstatic. It took a couple of hours to adjust to normality but honestly I have no regrets.

Things I learnt:

  • Never do I job that will potentially cost me my mental wellbeing.
  • Appreciate my parents and how hard they worked.
  • Give back to my parents as soon possible so my dad never has to work all them crazy hours.
  • Thank god and appreciate the absolute privilege I have in going to university and having that as pretty much my sole responsibility.
  • Appreciate the freedom I have/had to do what I want.
  • Don’t become so money orientated that you think of nothing else.
  • Keep trusting god in all your decisions no matter how tough things get.
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