A mergh day

We all want to figure it out I guess.

Figure out how and when we’ll get to that point of ‘oh yes this is it, this is what its all been building up to’.

Today I had an interview for a good part time job related to the university course I’m studying. It kind of went bad. I messed up on the one thing I’ve always struggled with, thinking on my feet.

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I felt not so thrilled afterwards. They grey weather and my oncoming cold didn’t help the situation. Now I’m doing the one thing I promised myself I would not do, I’m feeling sorry for myself.

I promise I’m sometimes cheery, not today though at exactly 9.12pm.

 

 

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This year

There have been some low moments but I have to say this is the one year that has taught me so much about myself. I remember this time last year (2015) so so clearly. I was sad, hopeless and very lost. I was going through a lot of big changes in my life and I didn’t know how to handle any of them. Slowly as the months went by I discovered this and that which amounted to all that I know now.

There are certain things that I would never trade for the world.

My religion being the first of them. I thank god for this blessing, ‘to him we belong and to him we’ll return’. The next thing has to be my family although I need to work on putting them before all other affairs. I don’t live too close to my mother anymore but I’ve honestly realised how irreplaceable she is, my father and siblings too.

I also promise to never lose hope in myself and my goals. Theres nothing stopping me, I have all the resources to be great in whatever I want to be so I hope to strengthen my faith in god and truly believe the sky is my only limit.

Also to never degrade myself and lose my dignity in a desperate attempt of ‘acceptance’. If someone doesn’t like you, keep it moving. You weren’t put in this world to place limits on yourself or to keep looking over the fence at your neighbours garden.

To do any of these things I’ve just mentioned I need to be content. I need to believe that my life is in gods hands. As it goes I have all the basic necessities and more. I have my health, sanity, youth, freedom, time and I’m only responsible for myself. So I need to make the most of these things before one of them disappears e.g. my youth (inevitable) or my health (god forbid).

Don’t make extreme rash decisions. Be open to new ideas and experiences. Creating a box and pretending you’ve somehow discovered the essence of life is so wrong. Always be open to things that will enhance your outlook towards existence. Limiting yourself from all the great things out there makes you depressed and sad, so why do this? Your still learning things about yourself and you always will be hopefully.

Basically judgement is something you weren’t created to do, EVER!

Never hate anyone even if they’ve got on your last nerve. Don’t make categories and sub-categories in your brain based on people and the way they treat you or the way you perceive them. Obviously create healthy boundaries and don’t let people just trample all over you. Hating someone however  or ‘cutting’ them off is almost never the right option. Hate and love are too very extreme emotions, ones that should be used with the utmost caution.

Solitude is a great thing. It allows you to think things over. It just so happens your an introvert so you prefer this anyway but once again shutting yourself off because you think you know everything  is fatal, avoid this. Spend time with loved ones. Be kind to others without expecting anything in return. Do this more because you’ve been majorly lacking in this area, this past year.

There are of course some less abstract things that I hope to achieve this year (god willing):

  1. Start or fully learn how to drive.
  2. Look after my health and get fit (gym maybe?)
  3. Create good habits to make life easier (meal prep? get organised?)
  4. Seek knowledge.
  5. Learn arabic (big one I know)
  6. Speak to mum more often
  7. Be more creative (blog more?)

Discipline is what will make any of these things possible. Practise this strongly.

So there you have it. This year has been quite the ride. Am excited to see what next year brings and lastly I thank god for allowing me to see another year, I really do hope to make the most of it.

 

Mum/me

So I came back from visiting my mum and siblings in Somalia and it was honestly so nice and refreshing. Thankfully I got to see them for about 6 weeks. I hadn’t seen them for a whole 11 months. It really does sound crazy saying that considering I’ve always lived in a nuclear family where all my siblings and parents lived under one roof.

Living away from my mum taught me a lot. I was always reliant on her emotionally and otherwise. I didn’t realise a lot of the things she did for me. I also had no idea just how much I would miss the little things. For example coming home to a fragrant, clean house and hot food. Also I loved coming home and just telling mum all about my day or sometimes ranting about whatever bothered me. She was my security blanket and I missed her.

It did take a while to adjust to my new life but I did anyway.

I learnt to appreciate the significance of family especially my mum. In Islam, your parents are given so much importance and in particular the mother. I can blatantly see why now. My mum always put her children first, constantly thinking about their well being and happiness. She sacrificed a lot of herself for us and worked so hard all throughout our lives. I really didn’t appreciate my mum enough. If I had a disagreement with her, I would shout and try to get my way, If she told me to do something for her sometimes I would selfishly say no in a outright manner. I feel like living apart made me think of her as a human and not some robot who’s programmed to do everything. She made everything look so easy.

I developed a whole load of respect for my mum. She really is a superhero. There literally is no way I can give back to her or even thank her for the infinite things she’s done. I guess one thing I can do now is look after her and remember her. I feel like the worst thing I could do is forget her and get too involved in my own life.

There was still some good that came out of living separately. I became so much more independent and responsible for my own life. I learnt how to make decisions for myself primarily with my own influence. I got a kickstart into ‘adulthood’ and a real feel for what having responsibilities was like. Going back to Somalia, I found myself longing for that independence although it was so nice having actual proper meals (lol).

I thank god for giving me such an awesome mum. I’m so lucky to have had this amazing gift all throughout my life. I guess my conclusion is to always love your parents and remember everything they gave you. At the end of the day whilst people are coming in and out of your life , they’re still there. When you progress to the next stage of your life, they’re still there. When you’re lost and in need, they’re still there. Waiting for you. 

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The power of now

Time doesn’t wait for anyone, it just passes you by.
Sometimes when I look back and try to understand what I did to pass my time I can’t
think of anything significant. So for example I’ll look back after a year and think ‘wow, another year gone by but what exactly did you do, what memories did you make, how did you implement change in your life’. Most of the time I won’t have a good answer for any of these questions. Then the new year starts and once again I’ll declare ‘this will be my year’. Then the cycle repeats.

To be fair, I suppose in the past I was young and I didn’t pay mTime-Tracking-Softwareuch attention to whether or not time was being wasted. More recently however, maybe since 2015 ended and 2016 began, I started noticing whether what I did to pass time was worthwhile or not.

I knew I wanted to experience cool things, get out my comfort zone and honestly just change my mindset. I wanted to be in control of my thoughts AND actions. I wanted to be in a happy place most of the time. I also wanted to do practical things my future self could look back on and thank me for later.

Its mid year now but I still want to do these things, so what exactly is your point Aisha?

Well the problem was I didn’t know how to experience cool things because I always doubted myself and I set myself back mainly because I feared the unknown. I compared myself to others and thought I was less. I allowed negativity into my life. I lost control many times which is what stuck me into negativity in the first place. The worst of them all was probably overthinking. Overthinking and creating problems in my head that really didn’t exist.

Consequently I lost a whole lot of time.

After a deal of reflecting I came to realise something, very recently in fact. I always blamed my outward surroundings of robbing me my chances, my prospects. I know am speaking very loosely about all of this but it took a particular situation to realise this fatal flaw and what exactly it was costing me.

I always overlooked how much of a CHOICE. I had the choice to invite good or bad thoughts. I could dwell in senseless pity OR I could push myself to make the absolute BEST of even the dullest times.Don’t let your mind trick you, control it then defeat it. I’m very lucky to have this ‘choice’ so why the hell don’t I use it?

I also learnt to not focus too hard on the future. Constantly counting down the days was a big part of the problem. I thought my life would magically turn amazing when I’m given the opportunity but how about I chase that opportunity and stop waiting around. The power of now is so underestimated and I’m glad to have discovered its importance. Its literally now or never.

Don’t say tomorrow because trust me tomorrow never comes. Make the most of today, make the most of right now.

I guess what am trying to say is, to always choose optimism. Also don’t take yourself too seriously (as cliche as that sounds). Its what hinders making the greatest memories with loved ones, simple laughter and pretty much happiness.

 

 

 

 

The game.

I wake up ,everyday
Just to find out its the same,
Like the souls been ripped out my body,
And I literally am a nobody,
But I’m still breathing and my heart is still beating.
I’m not a quitter I tell myself,
Even when the pain gets extremly bitter,
I’ll keep on going strong,
But I know, not for long,
Because the pretence will finally crack,
Spitting out volumes on what I lack,
And again deep deep down I go,
No matter how many times I silently scream no, no, no.

All I really want is to survive,
And to get by as long as I’m alive,
But destructive desolation runs through my veins,
Its persistant and resistant,
It feeds on my system,
Hindering any kind of hope.

But once again I rise
With one intent only, to fly.

Summer

So exams are over , its summer babyyyyyyy! Lol i would never say that last phrase in real life but I guess am that relieved that I survived. I survived school and I made it to the end. That my friend is an achievement within itself. Well not really but it feels so weird to have masses of freetime. Its been a few days so am currently enjoying staying in bed all day and only moving to eat and use the toilet. It feels soo good to just lounge about without feeling like I’m procrastinating. I feel freeeeee! Okay I have to admit I am going a bit extreme but you get the jist. Its been a long exhausting year and lets just say I am GLAD its over.

Everybodys ready to start a new chapter I guess. University mostly. Well I don’t know how likely university is this year because of how bad some of my exams went. Although I am slightly bummed and anxious about that, I’m not really that worried. Main reason I want to get into university is so I then don’t have to rack my brain for an alternative. Maybe get a job , take a year out of education, WHO KNOWS?!. I definitely will know in less than two months but right now like right right now , everything seems so ladidada ( not bothersome) and am totally enjoying just that.

Also in about 10 days I’ll be going to Africa to the country of origin. Exciting stuff but also scary since I’ve never been and don’t know what to expect. It should be a really fun experience, full of exciting adventures and the endless embraces of my very large extended famliy.
Great times to look forward to but I can’t even deny although I’m 18 and pretty much fully grown(?), I’m looking forward to the plane ride more then anything else right now. I know I know am such a child but everytime I go on holiday , the anticipation before the holiday and the actual plane ride equate to my personal satisfaction.You might aswell forget the actual holiday (I joke). This where I say , ‘oh you know don’t judge me, its all about the little things’.

Another thing I plan to do is read. Yes read a whole lot this summer because I remember when I used to enjoy that more than anything. I would always make time for books and thinking back I used to get all the feels when I reached the climax and picture all the characters and their little problematic worlds. So yes reading is definetly on the agenda as sad as that sounds.

Well the last thing is I really want to write on here often and update my brains latest thoughts (wot?). So yeah goal to myself to get inspired and write more.

Okay peace out!

Blogging

I don’t know where am going with this blogging thing but I definitely love it as a secret place to let out all my deep,dark thoughts (note on dark haha). I just find it amazing how you can be 100% honest on here to no one in particular.I feel like in real life, interactions have to be more reserved but here you can just let alI your reigns loose because after all honesty really is the best policy.I dont think am going to share this place with anyone I know i.e famliy|friends because I just find it slightly embarrasing right now. Okay I lied, I find it highly embarrassing because I feel like telling people would mean a violent invasion into my poor little brain. These people I see everyday would probably think am super weird and I would never hear the end of it.

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So yeah…